The sunrise was beautiful this morning, grey-blue shot with brilliant rose, mirrored in the windows of the shop and dappling the icy driveway at 9am. Maybe the beautiful sky is the sign of the week to come, because last week was woolly and leaden.
I know that my low-lying cloud cover was in part due to hormones. I may only struggle with the sadness and depression that accompany PMS a few times a year, and I guess I should be thankful for that. But while objectively I know that the thunderheads WILL scud away across my sky, I have no energy to fight my sense of doom, losing my temper at the least little thing, starting arguments, wallowing in guilt and wishing for everyone to “just leave me alone.” And this is Christmas! I have so much to do!
So since when did the burden of providing my children a magical Christmas fall on me anyhow? Are they really going to suffer if I don’t put up the Christmas lights? And the advent calendar sits empty – I had even written on my day planner (back in November) a heads-up to prep the calendar with verses and candy. But we are memorizing Luke chapter two, and I fear we started too late to have it pat by Christmas to impress the grandparents. And maybe we won’t. But the verses will settle in their hearts, and remain as they did for me a precious Christmas memory.
I am downloading doll dress patterns for the girls’ Christmas present. I never make time to sew and the fleece I bought last year to make Wecco a hot rod tuque still sits below the machine. Or was that two years ago? The lap quilt with embroidered snowflakes needs 9 more snowflakes before we can put it together. I like embroidery – trying different stitches, periods of calmness as I sit and stitch. Different bloggers have been showing off new sewing machines. I have a $30 garage sale Singer that I bought because it matched my grandma’s machine – she has been useful in helping me get the tension to a workable setting. With old sewing machines you don’t aim for excellence so much as functionality. I covet my sister’s serger. And then I hired her to sew pajamas for my children for Christmas. So I do know how to delegate.
And I get convicted about how much time I spend with my family, really being present, you know? I know this life is short, and they grow up fast, and however large my ambition is, I believe that I will not see success if my focus is off. I believe that God will not give me what I want if it is wrong for me, no matter how hard I try to make it happen. So there is room for rest, for waiting. The kind of waiting that says, “Right now I will love what I have without trying to make it into something else.”
Was that a ray of sunlight parting the clouds?