Dear Fellow Artist:

At the age of three, Skip Sally’s paintings were exhibited internationally in many famous galleries and sold for six figures. Skip’s art came to the attention of (insert name of famous artist here), who, recognizing Skip’s massive talent, leapt at the opportunity to mentor him. Skip has never had to hold a non-art job and donates all proceeds from his art sales to non-profit organizations.”

If your biography reads like the above,

I hate you.

P.S. It’s nothing personal, I’m sure you’re very nice and if we were to actually meet, we would get along just fine and I would get over this gut-churning jealousy. But could you maybe, just until then, stop sounding so smug? Fake an awkward stage if you have to.

Note: Skip Sally is what the kids have named our cat. He’s never sold any paintings.